Listening to the Voices in My Head

I have 8 years worth of emails, photos, correspondence from my dad. I never delete anything from family. I might have lost a few due to hard drive failures, and caught between back ups, but I have most of them. I have been going through them, and it's a sad/happy/sad feeling because as much as many of them make me smile, I know there will be no more, and then the grief comes.

The distance, and not having the daily seeing of someone, lessened the initial grief, but I have found the last few days it's hit me in larger and larger waves.

Richard E Tomac, aka Pop aka Dad, passed away Friday, July 7th, 2017.

So, so, conflicted as to how I feel. Very sad that he is gone, but relieved that he is no longer suffering.

Cancer really really sucks. :(

As much as a gut punch the news was, I would rather be informed than get blind sided. Cancer fucking sucks.

It came back with a vengeance. My stepfather is in hospice, palliative care only. He has made the decision of pain management only, no feeding tubes, no machines, no heroic measures.

I'm.. confused at how I feel.

Part of me is 'dad is dying', and it's a kick to the gut. He was the ONLY one who comforted me when my sister died, at the wake. If it hadn't been for him, I would have lost my eldest son to drowning, and not have 4 beautiful grandchildren.

The other part... angry that he's giving in, because my mother, although with a few creaking joints, is in good health, she needs him. I know she is a tough old gal, but she needs him.

Yet another part is relieved because I know he's been fighting cancer for decades and he is TIRED. So very tired. And he deserves to rest on his own terms.

Cancer fucking sucks.

I keep thinking about this past year. All the ups and downs, meeting new friends, keeping in touch with not so new friends. The trips, the vacations, the photo gear.

And when I think about all of that, it pales in comparison to the one thing that happened later in this year.

After 4 years of no contact, my oldest son, Paul sent me an SOS. And in that instant the 4 years of no contact evaporated. We talked for hours, and it was as if none of those empty 4 years existed.

A wound my heart had is gone. I no longer think of Paul, Collin, Jason, Joey and Bella with sadness. I smile now.

So, for everything that I got or happened this year, my favorite event was "Mom, can you call. I need you."

Maybe something we should remind families about photographs of family gatherings. Most of us, when taking photos at birthday parties, New Years, Christmas, etc etc pretty much want a chronicle of the day, when family and friends are with us. We don't get in their faces, like paparazzi do (well, I'm sure some do, but most of us don't).

The value of having someone do this chronicling of family events came home. The mother of dear friend of mine was ill, melanoma that went to the brain. for what seemed like an eternity to the family, but was really a very short time, she passed away.

The family was, as you can imagine, devastated. And the saddest thing was they could only remember what she looked like during her passing.

Although it ripped me apart, because Sue was my "Mommy Down Under", I went through each and every birthday, Christmas, etc etc, and got photos of Sue happy, healthy, being silly, wearing a funny hat. I sent them to her kids.

You have no idea how much that helped.

So, keep politely sneaking those photos, discarding the bad/embarrassing ones, because you're not just pestering them. You're treasuring them forever. And just maybe giving solace to someone who needs it.