Listening to the Voices in My Head

Last Sunday, when walking around a corner to MiL's favorite noodle house, I walked into a thick cloud of cigarette smoke. In one day, I went from an asthmatic with seasonal allergies to having a severe upper respiratory infection. The high fever gave me something else, too, but hey, gotta keep something out of the public.

Of course, my GP Dr H was on vaycay (Grand Finals) and I couldn't get an appointment with the doc covering his patients.

I put a call out to the group mind, aka Facebook, to ask what to do. And I got results. Doctor's on Demand. Only irritation I had was I paid for a 15 min video consultation, and got a 4 min 15 second phone call. Regardless, I did get the needed antibiotics, and BONUS! a steroid inhaler.

I am feel physically better (still coughing, but no blood anymore), but I also at the same time feel so much pain. This is the first time I have been seriously ill and not have Loki there with me. I haven't been able to rest/sleep during the day, because he isn't there. He would curl up next to or on me, emitting a low rumbling purr until I fell asleep. He would be there when I woke up. Wing and Alan keep telling me to go take a nap, and I just put on the proper face, smile and say not sleepy. I run myself into exhaustion so when I do go to bed, the pain because of the empty place where he should be fades. Only to have to go through it again another day.

Loki's absence is truly felt. No snoring which could be heard from across the room. No rumbling purr. Even the kittens (who aren't really kittens anymore) aren't as vocal. They keep looking for him. I know how they feel.

I have Loki's urn on my desk, slightly in the way of viewing my monitor, in keeping with how he would do so in life.

I miss my constant companion. I miss my left leg being warmed by him laying against it, resting his head on my shin. I miss shutting things down, and looking over to him and saying "I'm going to bed. You coming?" and him getting up and following me.

More that i miss:

His night time snuggling/cuddling.
Him head-butting my hand in the morning, followed by using his head to shove my sleep mask off.
Meowing and snogging my ear and nose to get me up in the morning.
Following me around for my daily walk outside.
Keeping me company when I did some gardening.

Loki, I will forever miss you in my life.

Loki is dying. Medication he's on is slowing the progression of the cancer. But I did something stupid this morning.

I opened photo editing browser and began looking at his photos, starting from about 3 years ago. I was looking for anything that I might have missed, that I could have caught and had treated sooner before it became sarcoma.

I come across photos of him laying his head on my shin, and giving me a look of pure contentment, and I lost it. I remember how many times he would be upset that I had to get up and move. And also, how many times I would get annoyed. He hasn't been doing it lately, and I miss it. Then it hit me that I will soon be missing it forever.

Yeah, me, tough-assed bitch, falling apart over a cat. No, not just any cat, but my cat.

If because of over load of drool because of the medication, or just difficultly in his picking up something to eat, I dump the bits of beef into a paper towel, and blot the slobber off of them, and wipe dish, replace beef bits and he eats them all. And Dr M did say the length of time left is linked to his being able to eat.

We can't go reading more than what is normal cat behavior as something nefarious.

Yes, we knew at 16 years old, our time with Loki is limited, but we didn't expect the time to be so cruelly pushed forward in such a manner. The thing is, he doesn't know he's ill. And for as long as he is not in pain, still doing all things a cat does, he will be loved and cared for.

Anyone with a pet knows that someday, that pet will break their hearts. I even said it to "Arty" (his name before he earned his name) when I first cradled him in my arms. "One day, you're going to break my heart." Not broken yet, but there are cracks. And they hurt.