Listening to the Voices in My Head

And I went to my counseling session dressed as Queen Victoria, the widow years. And yes, they let me go home. I kind of staggered off to bed, and I was so wrung out, I didn't hear the purr kids' morning antics, and slept through. Wing said I was deeply asleep.

Getting some light chores done, including clean sheets on the bed. I can't wait to be the first person in bed, to feel those lusciously sensuous sheets. Mmmmmm.

Tomorrow, I go to the hospital to have an endoscopic exam. It's more of an exploration to see why I have painful esophageal spasm (feels like a heart attack) that lasts for anywhere from 10 to 30 seconds. When it's over I get the hiccups. Dr H thinks it might be scarring, but have to be sure.

I have beaten the black beast of depression back a bit. The hellidays being over had helped immensely. I still have depression, and seeing the appropriate people regarding it, but it doesn't feel like it's on a runaway, downhill rollercoaster ride to hell.

I've been taking a little time for myself. When I do my 10 minute rehab walk, I listen to an audio book. I continue to listen to it until it's time to do something else (lunch, or dinner).

Still tired, as sleep is touch and go, but when I do sleep well, it's either 5 hours or 10. IF it's 10 hours I do wake up refreshed. This means I have to go to bed fairly early so Alan and Wing can get their "let's play with the cats on the bed, and talk to mom.". At least they get the message when I get ready to put on my sleep mask.

Now I get to muddle through the weekdays. That's not to say it's going to be all bad. I have some optimism. There are so many idiotic anti-vaxxers that keep holding super spreader event.

The kittens have grown so much. Drax is almost Loki's shoulder height. That's what Wing get for uttering the curse "He will never get as big as Loki." Groo is also packing on the ounces. He passed pounds a few weeks ago. They are both growing to be sweet, friendly, beautiful kitties.

I haven't been stir crazy like others have. Might have something to do with my knee not being fully functional, making walking an unpleasant past time. Filling my time watching really cheesy movies. Binge watched "The Witcher" season 2. Also watched some thing on National Geographic channel. And to those assholes that killed that lion pride that were in the national park/reserve, including 8 cubs, may your precious cows sicken and die.

I tried watching comedy, but the people were like automatons for me. Almost like really crappy CGI. So, sticking to sloppy movies, that didn't even make it to cinemas. A few of them were actually ok. Who would have thunk it?

Yesterday, I saw Mr. S, the osteo surgeon who replaced my worn out right knee. The right knee replacement is great, and even though I still have some pain from the operated on compartment syndrome, all is ok with it.

Left knee.. *sigh* bends back and forth ok, but it also moves left to right too easily. That means the osteo-arthritis is getting worse, and I'm losing knee stability. And today, unlike other times, my left knee fekking HURTS. Have compression/support bandage on it. Between that and pain meds, I'm able to walk somewhat normally. I did have to order another compression bandage, as the velcro on the one I'm using is worn out and tends to let go. So, the time of LTKR is coming closer. Just not yet.

Today was appointment with D, my counselor. Because of pain meds, I was all over the place. But I was able to focus on the one thing that is stressing me out; tomorrow, Trance and Loki get home visit by the vet, and Loki gets boxed up to get his teeth cleaned. He really needs it, as he has really bad breath. If the vet that gave wrong advise that caused Keito's death shows up, I will show him the door. Call out fee be damned.

Also, discussed the possibility of getting another purrkid. She said the way we love animals, and how much they mean to us, there is probably no way we won't, when we're heart healed and read, get another rescue or two. I personally would love a 'house panther', or maybe a bonded pair looking to be re-homed together. Just not yet... not ready. I, and Loki, are still in mourning over Keito's sudden death.

I had a good long talk to my GP regarding my upcoming MHTP. Baring's one soul and life is an exhausting process. I had Wing there, with the pre-warning to NOT take any of it personally.

After explaining childhood, and how I was treated and raised, it was surprising I'm as well adjusted as I am (that should clue you to the f**ked up childhood I had). I told him about my 6+ month drunk I went on after my sister died, and how after one morning, I woke up with a pounding head, a nasty taste in my mouth, and my sister was still dead... and I just stopped. I took alternating hot and cold showers, up-ended the booze bottles into the sink and just stopped.

Took me a few days to feel entirely human, but I managed it. Dr H said it showed just what a strong personality, and person I was, and I have a very good chance of beating this.

I talked about how I felt guilty, angry, and then guilty for being angry regarding Wing. Guilty because of all he has had to take on that I can't do, then angry because and I can't do it, and the depression part of my brain tells me he showing off, then guilty for thinking that. It's truly a vicious cycle.

So, Ignore the feelings, and think: Is it really a good idea for me to be handling sharp cooking knives, or being around boiling water at this time? Oh HELL no, so THANK you Wing for doing the cooking. (this is just one example)

I have been giving, and been using, tools and methods to put the brakes on the cycle. Doesn't always work, but of often enough to make a difference.

#depression