Listening to the Voices in My Head

I have noticed some improvement, although Mr S said he hoped for more. Because he's retired from the surgical practice, he has referred me to another osteo surgeon.

Yanno, I am not looking forward to this, to have yet another doctor presume that I must be stuffing my face with ice cream and cake, sitting on my ass doing nothing.

For the past several years, I seems to be in a constant state of 'recovering' from something or another. And I'm so tired of it. Recovered (and rehab) from a spinal fusion, recovery from gall bladder surgery, non- recovery from hyper extended knee, recovering from a mass removed from my back and the time it took for it close up, recovering from total knee replacement surgery, recovering from a car accident, recovering from pneumonia.

Sunday, a root canaled tooth sheered off, and I had to have the roots removed as it couldn't be repaired. Now recovering from tooth extraction, and look like a chipmunk on one side of my face and it hurts like hell.

Oh, not to mention the FND still throwing out the occasional seizure.

I'm tired. I'm tired of not being able to DO. I'm tired of being afraid to move as it could (and often did) trigger a seizure. I'm tired of the pain, but I can pretty much deal with that, but it's EVERYWHERE lately. And I'm tired of having to stay medicated to make some pretense at living.

More pre-op things. Visited a physio to get some pre-op exercises to help stretch, and to see what sort of mobility/stability my current joint can handle. Umm, ow?

Then off to the EKG. I have a heart! Who would have thunk it? Normal sinus rhythm.

Off to radiology. Enter the folding, bending, spindling. To get clear xrays (yes, plural) of my knee joint, my leg had to be twisted into position. To say that hurt would be understatement. Do this for about an hour. Then xrays of the spacer between my vertebrae (4, from different angles), and a chest xrays (two).

I'm quite sore now... and wonder if I'm going to glow in the dark!

This morning I saw sparkling water drops on some pretty purple blossoms, and I noticed both my small Geraldton Wax seedlings (still called seedlings until they reach 1" across the base) were in danger of being swamped by weeds.

I pushed the camera out of the way, pulled the weeds out about 2ft diameter around them both, making sure to not shake off the morning water droplets. I then proceeded to take macro photos of the blossoms. I stood up from my squat, and it was all I could do to hobble back into the house.

I know, I know... we are supposed to suffer for our art, but dayam, my knee was killing me! Nope, no doubt now.

Geraldton Wax Blossom

There are some people that don't know what's going on with my knees (yes, plural) but with my right one being much much worse. I have arthritis in my knees, it's a family trait. But, when I was 18 I injured my right knee, and about 18months after that, I developed degenerative arthritis in it. It's been giving me trouble off and on for 40 years. My right knee has a head start on the left.

An accident last October pushed the remaining meniscus out, turning it from being an annoyance, to a borderline crippling injury. I have NO cartilage between my femur and tibia/fibula. None. That means I had bone on bone grinding when I was walking around, for months before I got to see a specialist.

Yes, I have had two rounds of drain the fluid, and synovial injections. I am on a 'diet' of anti-inflammatory and Panadiene Forte (as needed) It has made it possible for me to do normal daily activities. HOWEVER.. walking for 30 or more minutes on uneven paving, or a walkway that slants down towards the street is a tad uncomfortable, the way giving birth is a slight pressure.

I'm lucky if I get 3 uninterrupted hours of sleep at night. It's more like I take 2 naps at night, which means my ass is dragging the next day. Rinse and repeat since October LAST YEAR!

I could take the Panadiene Forte more often, but I really dislike the head packed in cotton feeling it gives me. So, I walk slow. And it f&$%ing hurts to do so... read above, about the bone on bone grinding. And my left knee is causing trouble because I am favoring my right leg. My left leg, which is still partially paralyzed/unresponsive because of nerve damage from disc collapse, isn't handling the extra work very well, and THAT knee is starting to get worse.

You know that "On a scale of 1 to 10" for pain measurement? I'm on a constant 3 at the very least, to "wanting to rock back and forth crying". Add a good sized dollop of depression into the mix, and you might have an inkling of what I am going through. So, when I mention I walked for 30 mins to get somewhere, your flippant comment and eyeroll makes me want to punch you square in the face, or just scream at you.. but I do neither. But I do wish you could feel what I'm going through for just a few weeks, see if you'd be so cavalier and flippant afterward.