Answering Machine Messages

[anysia]

    "Hi. Now you say something."

    "Hi, I'm not home right now but my answering machine
    is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep."

    You know what I hate about answering machine messages?
    They go on and on, wasting your time. I mean, all they
    really need to say is, "We aren't in, leave a message."
    That's why I've decided to keep mine simple and short.
    I pledge to you, my caller, that you will never have to
    suffer through another long answering machine message
    when you call me...

    Hello. I'm David's answering machine. What are you?

    Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his
    refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick
    your message to myself with one of these magnets.

    Hello, this is Ron's toaster. Ron's new answering
    machine is in the shop for repairs, so please leave
    your message when the toast is done... (Cachunk!)

    (Very fast:) Hi, this is 904-4344. If you want to leave
    a message, please wait for the tone. If you want to
    leave your name and number, please press pound, press
    3, then dial your name, then press 6 and dial your
    number. If you want to leave your name and just a
    message, press star, press 6, ask for extension 4443,
    then leave your name and message. If you want to leave
    your number and the time you called, please press star
    twice, spin in a circle, press 1 twice, talk loud and
    BEEP

    Greetings, you have reached the Sixth Sense Detective
    Agency. We know how you are and what you want, so at
    the sound of the tone, please hang up.

    Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I
    don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call
    back, it's you.

    Hello, this is David. I don't live here, so if you were
    trying to call me, you've dialed the wrong number. On
    the other hand, if you were trying to call John, Jim,
    or Eric, please leave your name and number at the tone.
    I don't guarantee that one of them will call you back --
    only that I won't.

    Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone
    right now. Leave a message, and then wait by your phone
    until I call you back.

    Hello, this is Ron. I'm not home
    right now, but I can take a message. Hang on a second
    while I get a pencil. (Open a drawer and shuffle stuff
    around.) OK, what would you like me to tell me?

    We're sorry. You have reached an imaginary number.
    Please rotate your phone 90 degrees and try again.

Comments

[akire-yta.livejournal.com]

you forgot my favourite, to the tune of Ride of the Valkyres

"Leave a message, leave a message, leave a message...."

[anysia.livejournal.com]

I have a few, like the one currently used:

"It's a machine, you know the routine..BEEEEEEEEEEEEEP"

"If you dialed the right number, you know who this is."

[akire-yta.livejournal.com]

we used to have one to the theme of the rocky horror picture show

"Please! Leave! A Message! At the beeeeeep!"