anysia: (Invisible?)
I have 8 years worth of emails, photos, correspondence from my dad. I never delete anything from family. I might have lost a few due to hard drive failures, and caught between back ups, but I have most of them. I have been going through them, and it's a sad/happy/sad feeling because as much as many of them make me smile, I know there will be no more, and then the grief comes.

The distance, and not having the daily seeing of someone, lessened the initial grief, but I have found the last few days it's hit me in larger and larger waves.

RIP Dad

Jul. 9th, 2017 08:46 am
anysia: (Moping)



Richard E Tomac, aka Pop aka Dad, passed away Friday, July 7th, 2017.

So, so, conflicted as to how I feel. Very sad that he is gone, but relieved that he is no longer suffering.

Cancer really really sucks. :(
anysia: (Moping)
Called my mother. Step-father is still hanging in there. This really isn't what you can call a good thing, as there is no chance of recovery here. Do NOT give me any malarkey about miracles. They have jokingly saying he's waiting for the 4th of July. He's always loved fireworks.

No matter how much you know what's coming, there is no easy way to handle it, is there? I'm still having trouble processing it, as he was always such a strong force of nature. Seemed unstoppable.

Of all things, I am glad I mended fences years ago. As heartbreaking as what our family is going through now, regret would have just eaten away at me had I not just let go of anger and hurt, and just moved on.

Cancer still fucking sucks.
anysia: (Moping)
As much as a gut punch the news was, I would rather be informed than get blind sided. Cancer fucking sucks.

It came back with a vengeance. My stepfather is in hospice, palliative care only. He has made the decision of pain management only, no feeding tubes, no machines, no heroic measures.

I'm.. confused at how I feel.

Part of me is 'dad is dying', and it's a kick to the gut. He was the ONLY one who comforted me when my sister died, at the wake. If it hadn't been for him, I would have lost my eldest son to drowning, and not have 4 beautiful grandchildren.

The other part... angry that he's giving in, because my mother, although with a few creaking joints, is in good health, she needs him. I know she is a tough old gal, but she needs him.

Yet another part is relieved because I know he's been fighting cancer for decades and he is TIRED. So very tired. And he deserves to rest on his own terms.

Cancer fucking sucks.

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anysia

July 2017

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